Why do people have so much trouble changing?  You resolve to be better with your finances, to lose weight, to work less, to be less cluttered, whatever it might be — but you don’t change.  Why is this so common? One reason is pride.  Often people see some aspect of their behavior as being indicative of a quality they are proud of; then when they try to change that behavior, their subconscious stops them.

The first time I noticed this was when I lived in Italy in high school.  I arrived there knowing almost no Italian, but after ten months, I spoke remarkably well.  I knew the other students who were there with the same exchange program, and most of them had thicker American accents than I did.  Italians sometimes thought I was a native speaker, but none of the other exchange students had lost their American accents. When I talked to these students, they often mentioned things about America that they missed or that they thought were better than the way Italians did things.  They would often comment on my amazing accent, saying they wished they could speak that well, but practically in the same breath would mention something that they thought was better in America.  It occurred to me that they were equating having an American accent with being proud to be American.  I saw these two as distinct things; I could speak perfect Italian and still be American.  Looking back, I’m sure I saw speaking with a great accent as being indicative of being a really smart person, and that was the quality I was proud of.

Other examples I have seen include:
An incredibly creative friend I know was remarkably disorganized.  Their room was a disaster, their finances weren’t much better, they lost things and were always late because they could never find their keys.  They seemed to equate being disorganized with being creative.  And they were truly wonderfully creative. Since being creative was very important to them, being a mess became subconsciously important.

An acquaintance I have is overworked.  They are often complaining about their job and how much time it takes.  They always come in before their boss and leave after their boss, and when they talk about it you can tell they’re very proud of it.  This person is also very proud of being “someone you can count on.”  They equate working far more hours than is necessary with being responsible, dedicated, and trustworthy.

I recently became aware that I was doing this with my sleeping habits.  Everyone in my family gets up earlier than I do, and for years my older brother has gotten up really early, around 5am, and just loves it.  Until about a month ago, I had been wishing I had more time in the morning, and trying to get up earlier (my normal time to get up was about 8:30am).  But if I woke up before about 7:30am, I would be distinctly miserable until I’d been out of bed for at least 20 minutes.  Then I read something that inspired me to rethink my sleeping pattern.  I started to see myself as someone who got up early and got tons of stuff done before noon.  I started to equate getting up early with being an amazing person who gets things done.  Then I realized that I used to equate getting up early with growing older.  Lots of people supported me in that idea — if I mention that I’m getting up earlier, it’s not unusual for someone to say something like, “that happens when you get older.”  So I would subconsciously resist getting up early by staying up too late.  As soon as I made the decision to get up earlier in order to be the person I wanted to be, I started getting up at 7am or before.  That was 21 days ago, and every morning I have woken up before 7am feeling great.  (An update – I have been getting up before 6:30am for months now, and love it.)

I also notice that many overweight people seem to be proud of eating what and how much they eat.  I have always had a high metabolism, so I’ve never had to worry about what I eat.  But when I was in my 20s I would purposely overeat because it would rankle me whenever anyone said “you eat like a bird, that’s why you’re so thin” on the odd occasion that I ate a small meal.  So I would eat as much as possible, just to prove that what they were saying wasn’t true.  I don’t do that anymore, but it does make me wonder how many people gain weight because they equate eating a lot with being thin.  Read that sentence again, because it seems illogical.  In college, everybody ate a lot, and thin people ate the most.  Eighteen year old boys probably eat more than anyone else because their metabolisms are very high.  The ones with the highest metabolism are both the thinnest and the ones who eat the most.  So at a formative age, we see very thin people eating a lot of food.  Maybe at 18 you were one of those people, but at 35 those same habits that you were proud of then cause you to gain weight now.  I suspect we all equate eating a lot with being really thin at some subconscious level, even though we know intellectually that the opposite is true.  When I hear someone in their 40s say, “I’ve always loved rich foods,” or “I have a sweet tooth,” I wonder how much they are proud of who they used to be: a person who could eat lots of sweet or fatty food and didn’t gain weight.  Most people eat less and have less desire for sugar as they grow older, so they may be trying to stay young by keeping a young person’s habits.

So the idea, in a nutshell, is that you are proud of some quality you have, and you equate a bad habit with that quality.  In all the cases I can think of, the quality is admirable; it’s the equation that is wrong.  You can speak a foreign language perfectly and still be proud of your heritage.  You can be extremely creative and organized.  You can be very responsible and work a normal number of hours.  You can be an early riser and be youthful.  You can eat little and be thin.  And in all cases, the equation in question is subconscious.

How to Apply This Idea:

1. Pick one habit you want to change.  Make a list of qualities you think you might equate with that habit.
2. Look at your family.  Who in your family has the same habit?  Who doesn’t?  What do you think of those people?  How much do you want to be like or different from them?
3. Do the same for your friends.  Among the people you really admire, who has the habit you have and who doesn’t?
4. Look back at your own past.  Have you always had this quality?  Do you think that changing it means you are growing older?  Do you think that changing it will change some other aspect of your personality?
5. Imagine yourself as you want to be in relation to this habit.  Do you have any hesitations?  Sit down and write out any thoughts that make you hesitate to change, and keep doing this until you don’t have any internal reservations.
6. Once you have figured out which qualities you equate with your bad habit, make a new association.  Envision yourself with the quality you want to have, and write down how your new habit will help you become that person.

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